Bad day~

Had the first worst arguement with my best friend last nite... i know.. its my fault.... its my fault thinking too much... n i gave him a big 747... its my fault....

Its my fault he didn't get to see his chem paper... his results.... i hope he lets me help out.... i really dun mind being brushed.... but i dunno y he doesn't want me to help him out... he is trying to avoid me.... i know tat.... maybe... leaving is good.. at least he won't feel so bad... seeing me.... haiz.....

i dunno wat to do... i should leave hsc actually.... really... since if i m going na drop add maths.... there's nothing i can do....! he feels bad about not getting his results... n its my fault... n he got brushed for nothing... and its all my fault... n he doesn't even wanna talk about it.... n...

i should leave... i still can go on for another path actually.... i dun mind stopping everything.... i really dun mind..... i m jamming my head up again.... the only reason i m staying in this corse.. the only reason i try brainwashing my self to stay on... to try on my best is not because of my dad... he thinks tat it but its actually not.... i dun have the guts to tell him.. its because of him i m staying on.. haging on... i dun even know y i made this stuoid decision... but thn.. if he really doesn't wants to be with me.... if he still thinks being wif me is having pressure.. i rather just leave.... i really dun wan him to feel bad... not able to take the results... i wanna help him out.... i really do... but thn.. he doesn't wants my help.....

I feel really really really bad..... lucky tmr is a holiday... i still have time to think through.... i told him i m going on.... i just dun wan him to give me anymore advise... he is the reason i m staying on..... i wanted to leave since the first day..... now i have the chance to but... i dun wanna leave a friend..... leaving a friend just like tat... its not worth it... lossing a friend....

But thn.. he doesn't even wanna sit my car anymore.... i should just leave... I won't want to go to school on friday anymore... since i m making him feel so bad..... tat's it.. i m leaving.... leaving for good..... so that he would feel better.... i dun wan him to feel lock up... i shuld leave.... i really should.....

He thinks my mind is finally injam.. actually... it has been jam since the day i meet him.. n been friends with him.. i just dun show it....i try keeping it in.... n its really bad for me to argue with him last nite.... i know...cause i couldn't stand it....

its my fault.. i wanna appolgies.. he doesn't want to think about it.. he is just running away from it.... n so now... i will make him feel better.. since hanging around with me is so terrible for him.... i will leave.... for good.... its settled...

Thanks for giving me such a long advise..... Thanks for spending the past few months with me.... i will help u feel better.... i will.... N this is the best way.... our friendship has broken apart... i can c a big hole... a really big one.. n nothing we do can mend tat back.... nothing i can do.... n nothing you can do.... I'll miss you.. i really will... but i'll do anything... so long as u feel better.... i won let u have anymore pressure.. i will not interupt in your daily life... if that's wat is best for u.. i will do it......

A cut can heal.. but the scare is there forever.... i know i can;t ask u to forget wat i have done.... its stupid to do so... so this is the best way... the best way for us.... i m not trying to hide.. i offered help.. n u dun want it... n.. there's not more i can do.... i m not like you.... i can't even handle my own life... i dunno how to help u solve yours.. that is why i m offering simple help... help tat can at least make u feel better abit.. n u reject it.... i know.. u dun wanna face it.. u dun wanna think about it.... u wanna try n forget it....

N this is the best way... for you to be happy.... the moment you don't see me... the time u dun even need to remember me.... so.. this is goodbye....
GOODBYE~ i dun wish for u to forget everything... i hope that when u see the scare in your heart.. u'll see the times we spent together.. the happy times we spent together instead of the times we argued and all.... GOODBYE~

Should I??~

Skiped school today.. thinking.... Actually I've made up my mind to drop hsc. The problem is, I just dun bare to leave my friends behind. ANd i dun even know what other corses should i risk my life taking.

If i go to lkw, well, i get to study what i want. I get to end up with what i want since last year, but thn i dun wanna come out with nothing. OK, maybe i'll end up with a cert, a piece of paper in my hand. But thn, its hard going after my dream job. I mean.. face it, we're in Malaysia. What job is there to do?? Unless I can be best of the best. Which is .... i dunno.... impossilbe i think.

Ok.. let's say i take up acca.. at least i can do some calculations. And, at least i can end up studying something which is not that difficult... I mean... compare scince to acc. I know everything is hard but, sure enough, science is way much harder thn acc. Agree??

O i should just continue to suffer?? Kill my brain.. end up with a good job, and hang on with my firneds. Friends.... I dun wanna just leave them. I mean.. i have already left them a big air bus today. I dun even know what is going throught thier minds right now. this is the worst air bus i have ever left someone in my whole life. BUt what's the point?? Going to school.. not able to think o concentrate in class?? And what's the point studying something i dun really like.. n i m bad in... Resutls show everything. I only got 29 for math ex... MAth ex is needed for engeneering... chem too... oh man.. i hate chem.. although i know i do quite well in it.. but i really hate it...

I really need to drop hsc.. but thn.. i have no idea at all what is the next step should i take. I rahter end my life here but thn its not worth it too... Just because i can't make uo my mind... i m letting so many people around me suffer... i dun wan that to continue on. I really dun.. BUt thn.. i really can't bare seeing myself suffer as ell.. i dun wanna end up studying something... n failing it in the end. I dunno.. i really can't make up my mind.

Are friends more important?? O studies are more important... Friends.... Studies.... i dunno... this is the major problem. If i can solve this problem.. i will know what step to go on next.... Should i go on doing something i hate.. just because of friends?? just because of him?? i dun think its worth it. YEah.. its not worth it at all! Y do so much for a guy who doesn't likes me at all?? Who doesn't know i like him at all??

Ok.. my mind is set.. I m leaving.. leaving hsc.... for good... i hope they really dun mind... not that im selfish n all but... i just dun get the point staying thre.. not being able to end up wif wat i want.... since i failed my sub... Would a tution teacher help?? Would leela help?? I really dunno!!! I enedee up in square one again didn't i?? I really have no idea wat to do at all!! I really need help.... really.. i do need help!

~Kl Trip~

Just came back form kl yesterday. Bought tons of things.... this is the first time i spent nearly rm600!!! I never spent so much before.. OH well, i was in such a bad mood... now i know why most women like shopping. It really cools a person down.

So nothing interesting about shopping. But going down to kl this time was not that fun if the shopping wasn't there. Had to visit some relative... n they started talking about the will again. I hate that.. is just money! Other's people money, and i still don't get it. Why must they fight for it.. when they themselves say they don't want it... Tis giving us a big headache. We are not involve in the will at all! and we have to suffer?! this is.... haiz.....

So, quite a lousy trip down to kl. But at least i bought many things! Haiz. Hope we get to go somewhere else for the nexdt hols. Hope that my cuz could join us this time. Its been such a long time since she joined us for a holiday.

Oh ya.. new term starting tomorow. No mood to go to school at all.. but.. what is there to do?? JUst face it... hang on girl~

~Best Friends~

What's a meaning of a good friend?? If arguements happens all the time... do you consider your relationship as a ood friend?? or a best friend?? or.. maybe you two are not frineds at all?? I dunno... i m still thinking about this.....

Protecting him.. is like doing more than what i should do... he is just a friend.... a normal best friend... n i m doing so much....

I put friends in front of my family... because frends are the only people who i can really share most of my problems with.. and most of my problems atsrts of with my family.. so how could my family possibly help me out at all?? Friends are the only people who can help out....

I know he's trying to talk some sence into me... I know somethings i done is my fault... But than... my parents are blaming him. N i dun like that... They said i have changed because of him..... he is my friend.. and i dun like that... i dun like my parents talking about my friends...

OK.. so he asks me to fetch him around... he dare's not look at my parents... ok.. maybe he is not a man.. but who dares face my parents?? they are like.... like.... MONSTERS!!!! who in the hell would wanna face them... n add on.. he is a guy!! My girl friends feel scared for the first few months.. meeting my parents.... My parents dun like me hanging out with guys.. so in the hell would have the guts to face them??

But.. thinking about it... m i helping him too much?? do i deserve this?? should i continue to keep everything inside?? n not tell him that most of my problems comes from him?? Or should i tell him?? Tell him out loud?? But would this destroy our friendship?? We argued for so many times and we can get ack together... but once i say this out... i m afraid that he would be gone for good! Our relationship would jsut.. break up!!! its not worth it.. but thn.. i feel so difficult!

Should i just go?? i feel like that.. i feel like going.. leaving everything behind... so manyt things are happening.. n non of those problems are solving! everything is getting worst! i duno... i just feel like leaving... leaving this place n starting of in a new place... I should go... YES! i shoudl find away to leave... n start on over... leaving everything behind....

But thn.. i would lost so many things as well...is it worth it?? throwing all those things behind?? Should i?? SHould i do so?? There's not much time.. only a few days left till make my big decision! should i just leave?? Or continue on??

Parents... HAIZ~

Ok.. so i might have broken some promises i made to them.. n ok.. so my dad borke his promise to me this morning... but thn.... is it fair?? i mean... its not my fault i m getting so much pressure!

Jan 2, told parents wanted to drop. "Try it out.. it's only the first day"

Feb 4, told parents can't do ipt."its simple.. i'll teach you" (yeah right)

March ??, told parents can't do chemistry and math ex 1. "ask help from teacher... dun worry"

April ??, told parents wanna drop again! "why didn;t you say ealier?? ......."

Ok... tat was over... too over!!! And now.. i m the one who is wrong for blamming them?! GREAT! Shouldn't have got brainwashed by them in the first place... why can;t they just let me go earlier?? The pressure is all coming in.. n know only they want to let me go! I hate this... say somwthing.. n try to correct it... n they think is just tat simple.. GIVE UP!!

Ok.. so tat's only part of it..... the worst part is.. they bought me a dam "good" laptop... ! i "like" it.... Therefore.. i think i'll keep it in a box.. o whoever once it can have it.... it's giving me night mares!!! just because it is better.. . i asume that my dad would like it... n he would give me his old one.. like wat he normally does... so i just installed a few software into the old pc.. n he said the new one was for me..!

ok.. i dun really like the shape of the pc at all... is exactly the same as the old one my friend destroyed! Its heavy..n big... i nothing else...! Ya.. it has nothing else.... (except a great processer n a big memory....) Even my dad doesn;t want that thing! If he likes it.. he'll definately give me his old one.. but thn.. he doesn;t want to give up his old one.. that means he doesn;t like it at all.. there he goes again.. n giving an excuse of "its too big!"

Of cause its big.. tat y he bought it.. n gave it to me... great! I m stuck wif a big laptop... which nearly got me scolded! N its empty.... ok.. he'll find a way to install it.. i dun mind tat.. but thn..there he goes wif his attidute again.. giving stuff that he doesn;t likes.... n know that i wouldn't like either!

He says he doesn't gives me rubbish.. i m not saying he is giving me tat! I m just saying tat.. he is giving stuff tat he doens't likes.. n he know i wouldn't like it either... i just show tat i like it... so that he wouldn't feel bad.. but now.. i can stand it... he has gone over the limit...

Evrything he gives me is old! not one thing is new at all! ok.. maybe i shouldn't be complaining.. but thn... i need to say it out... he gave me a pc.. which is so dam old.. i needed to strain my eyes for three whole weeks before he changed the monitor screen for me... n guess wat... the monitor screen is also dam old... but thn.. at least it is in use.. so i dun mind..

The car he bought.. ok.. it was my idea.. i won complain about the car... speaking about it.. how can he fix the car.. whne he promise me that i could use it the next day! n now.. i can't even drive out at all!!! IDOIT!!!

So many things... haiz.. dun even wanna live in this world anymore.... I dun even know y m i here anymore!!! Its meaningless.. i done even have a goal to live.... i dun even have a life to live!!! DEING to DIE!! Wating for the time to come.. so.. when will it be?? the accident should have killed me off... thinking about the accident... if the pole could just came in futher... i woulnd't mind dieing! Not at all!!!

Bad Luck!!!

ok.. so exams are finaly over.... i should be happy about this.. but, funny.. i don't. I fell... sad... maybe its becasue of the questions...... I dunno.... I m writting this with a heart that is in deep pain. Feels like the tears are finding away to come out.. but thn.. it still stuck in there. Something is blocking its way.

Today's exam was't quite good.. CRIED terribly the nitght before. Should i continue on?? o maybe i should drop.. since its giving me so much pressure. I know, its just a small test, but than.... its still a test.... n... i dunno... feel that i shouldn't be taking this up... Wasn't able to finish up every paper.. except for maths and IPT.... too many things to write.... n yet so little time. HAIZ....

N ya... something else happened few days ago... it was thursaday... n i feel... SHOCK! Me and my freinds were just driving out for lunch, when suddenly.. the whole car just flew across the road.. and hit a pole.... my god!!! Just imagine.. the car went up a slope and stoped at an angel of 45 degress in mid air.. So lucky everyone was alrite.

Everyone went into shock mood of cause. I went into shock mood as well, since its my first time being invovled in an accident. But what triggered my shock mood wasn't about how the car flew across the road. Ya, its scary seeing the car flying across the road... everyone said that... but what worried me most was something else. I don't really know weather i should be saying this but... since its my blog.. i'll just say it.

Its terrible, seeing the car just fly pass like that, n too be sitting next to the driver.. what you see is what the driver sees. I was so worried about the driver. The most! just imagine.. u driving.. n your car spun out of control. The person would be most horrified would be the driver! The one with the wheel. He showed no sign of panic. N tried joking about it. Saying many things to clam people down. But deep down inside... i dunno y.... i just senced that there is something else bothering him. His was acting, showing that he was not panicing... but thn.. i felt that he wanted to let something out. HE was deffinately shock! i could see that. He just kept evreything in.

I couldn't be much help at that time... i felt so bad... the only thing i could do is to be by his side.. hoping that he could just show his true emotions in front of me. Its hard trying to keep everything in. But with so many people around.. that was the best way to show. I didn't said much about the accident. Cause the day before that, another friend of mine just got into one. I was just hoping that the next person wouldn't be me....

I was definately able to drive... its just an accident.. it can't be avoided. I didn't even think of how dangerous it would be if i took my car n drove the same road as him. I just rushed back, n took my car out. N drove him everywhere around town.

I m still in shock mood though.. i still think that the next victim would be me. If I got invovled in one.. i wouldn't mind.. if my parents wouldn't BRUSH so much! I m just affraid that... u know.. my freedom would be even more controlled by them! They are already contorlling 40% of it..... i don't want them to control 90% of it!!!! That y.. i m still in a bad mood!!

The car accident:

Exams.. AGAIN!!!

Haiz.. exams.. hate them.. always give you so much pressure for nothing...

Anyway.. today's maths test was easy... since i didn't really studied the night b4.. cause mood so DAM TERRIBLE!!! Couldn't teven study at all... But at least i couldn't answer only one question.. so its fine with me, just hope i don't make any SILLY mistakes... like my quiz.. cause of a negative sign... i lost 6 MARKS!!! Hope that doesn't happens...

And tomorow... just aiming for physics. Don't even wanna imagine how ipt would be like. Unless i really focus on it tonite... which will be impossible.. since i don't really get what the subject is all about. Hope to get good marks in physics though.. since its the only subject i like spending time reading.

Talking about our next sam.. can't stop thinkiong that our eng teacher is finally not going na teach us any more!!! YAHOO!!!!! That teacher.. haiz.. i don't even know weather i can pass esl cause of him! Hope i pass every subject.... haiz... IMPOSSIBLE....