I've just checked the date of my last post, and WOW!!Even I can't believe it's been 2 years since I last jog down a dairy of my life. Maybe it's because I've been so focus on my "Photo Diary" on Facebook that has made me forgotten, how much I need to express myself in words, or maybe it's just because of work. 2012 was... my final year of uni and yea, I have graduated with an hons degree in engineering (which i feel just "meh" about it), and 2013 was well, my first time ever stepping into the shoes of a workaholic's life!
So, what has made me come back here after so many years you might ask?
I have been through a very tough time ever since I've stated working. I don't mean to scare any one of you out there that has just placed your first foot into the doors of the working world, but that's just how i feel, PERSONALLY. Don't judge me wrong, I LOVE my job, like I talk about it everyday. At work, at home, with friends. I don't mind staying through the office after working hours, throughout the night (actually that's the time where I feel most comfortable working), or coming back in on a weekend. Some people even might say I'm a workaholic, which I don't disagree. But, ever since I have started to get close to people around the work place, life has been, tough.
To tell you the truth, I am currently suffering from depression cause of work and family. Depression till a point which where I even have to take time off just to see a doctor, to help me with my problems. I am not on any medication yet (and i don't hope to) so don't worry, I'm still able to control to some certain extent. However, bad toughs still linger through my mind every now and then. I get angry easily, I cry often, and the thoughts of committing suicide seems to be in the back of my mind all the time, however I have no plans on ending my life just yet as I can't bare to stand the thoughts of my family after that. That was when i stated to cut my self. I never knew cutting could be so relaxing, like how one feels after their first puff of smoke, or their first sleeping pill. It turns into an addiction. Seriously. Like you keep telling yourself you have to do it, or you will feel miserable for the rest of the day. I believe no one has notice the scars on my wrists yet, as I have a case of eczema, whereby my skin condition is already not in good shape. The scars on my wrist just simply camouflages well along with the other scares I have on my skin. So I guess i am lucky that I don't have to cover them up to any certain extent, like wearing long sleeves in this all year round hot country, or wearing different watches and bracelets.
However, there is one, and only one person that knows what I am going through. He knows very well about my condition. About me having to see the doctor, about my cutting problems. I mean, he is the only guy I really go to, to share anything I do not wish to hide. He gives me words of advise which I wish to hear, words of encouragement to help me up when I am down, and even started changing his attitude just so that I could feel less pressure on myself. I never knew how great of a guy, a friend he has been for me. Until now.
My friend here has just lost someone so he deeply loves in his family. I can't imagine the pain and sadness he has to go through right now. Seeing him fall apart yesterday was a wake up call for me I guess. I mean, my problems are now so much more tinier compared to his. I can't even imagine what I would do if I were to be in his shoes.
Him breaking down, right at that very moment, was the moment I told myself "it's now my turn to stay strong for him". He has always been able to stay strong for me, even when he has problems of his own. Being there when I need someone to talk to. Cheering me up whenever I feel down. I really want to end my depression, my cutting, my sadness, my pain. I just want to be able to help him, be by his side whenever he needs me, and help him get through this. I know I can, I know I must. He has done too much for me, and now, it's my time stay strong... be strong for him.
I am writing this blog in hopes of my friends, and family, to help give me the support I need, in order for me to be able to really be strong and stay strong for my friend. My darkest secretes has been shared with you all. I am stripping down myself, telling everyone that I'm not perfect. I'm still in a mess myself, but for the sake of my friend, I am willing to do whatever it takes to help him through this tough time.
So if you think you are in a tough time yourself... remember... you are not alone. There are others out there who might need your help one day.
STAY STRONG... BE STRONG!
-Regi Leong-
