Well, i'm back in ausie. and its almost 5am... n alot has been on my mind.. is this why i've almost fallen sick? Losing my big appetite? Its the road i've choosen to be on, i should be happy being able to live alone, finally, free from my parents, holding my own life but why? Why is it i don't feel that way at all?
Thinking back.. how the last 3 months ended just with a blink of an eye, i don't really have the mood to write all that down right here, right now. Those precious yet joyful memory, it doesn't make me feel any better, infact, it just makes me feel worst thn ever. Sounds crazy doesn't it? Happy memories make people happy not sad, n yet.. i feel.. the opposite.
Changing into a bigger room, doesn't really makes any different on the way i feel. Nic ssaid i should attend the welcome bbq party this sunday, open up.. make more new friends.. But there's a feeling i don't want to open up. I mean, i don't mind making new friends but, what's the point of it? Does finding new friends make me happier? Is that able to heal my feelings? Can that replace any of the feelings i have? Will that help me to stop my tears from killing me?
Am i hiding something, something i don't even know from myself? Am i running away from something? Or is it that i just miss home so badly? Why is it everytime i go back home i say things lk "i don't want to be here" but whn i really leave home i feel so terrible? Somethings holding me back. Friends? Family?? or is it just myself? Is it that hard to find someone that u can really share your feelings with? Is it? I don't remember it was that hard finding you, but why, why is it that i can't find someone new to share my feelings with?
I'm so used to sharing my feelings with you aren't I? And yet now we're 3 hours apart. I'm so used to sharing my feelings with u on msn aren't i? I'm so used to tell myself i hate u but end up loving u all the time aren't I?
I should love it here, that's wat i tell people, i lk it here.. its fun here.. and et now i fee lk i'm in hell... I don't even know why am i typing all these out here.. is this gonna make me feel any better? i hope so.. but yet again.. just being able to put a smile on my face everyday is good enough to cover the pain. yea, just smile n everything will be alrite. ( i still hate this feeling)
